The subtle daily interactions between adults and children can diminish or bolster the child’s confidence, self-reliance, and independence.
Example: Overheard in a locker room at an athletic club. The family swim had just begun.
No words were exchanged as the mother and a five-year-old child entered the shower area.
Mother: “Go to the bathroom.”
Child: “I don’t have to go.”
Mother: “Go to the bathroom.”
Child: “Really, I don’t have to go. I don’t want to go.”
Mother: “You have to go!”
Child: “Noooooo.”
Mother: “Go!”
The child emits a short scream.
Mother: “No!” Gives the child a hard look and points to the bathroom stall.
The child goes to the bathroom.
No words are spoken as they head to the pool.
What is the problem here?
- The mother conveys a lack of concern for the child’s emotions.
- The mother asserts that she understands the child’s needs better than the child does.
- The child is unaware of the underlying issue and the reasons for the mother’s concern.
- The child’s frustration is unacceptable.
- The child is forced to do something she does not want to do.
Some will say, “The mom probably has been through this many times with the child. They are playing in the pool, and the child says she has pee. Playing stops, mom has to escort the child to the bathroom.”
Others will think, “Maybe mom is just having a bad day.”
My response: We all have bad days. Kids do repeat behavior we wish they wouldn’t. However, parents who disregard their child’s emotions and boundaries in uncomplicated situations can consistently exhibit similar behavior.
This is a family swim. Parents go to a family swim for their children or to be with them. What is the big deal about taking the child to the bathroom later if she has the need?
But let’s look deeper. The adult is making an assumption that the child remembers that sometimes she needs to pee in the middle of swimming. She assumes the child knows this aggravates her. The child is unable to make her own decision. She does not learn about consequences. She is learning her mom knows best and that “No” means she better do what the adult says.
This is a recipe for disaster for the child. She could become used to having her feelings denied and forced to follow someone else’s lead. This behavior could seem normal to her if someone other than her mother treats her the same way – like a future romantic partner or an abusive family member.
What would have been a supportive response?
Mother: You know, Jenny, sometimes when we play in the pool, we must get out because you must go to the bathroom. It might be a good idea for you to go now.
Child: Mom, I don’t have to go now.
Mother: Are you sure?
Child: Yes.
Child: (as they are walking to the pool.) I like going swimming. I wish we could go every day!
30 minutes later:
Child: Mom, I have to pee.
Mother: (Laughing) I told you this would happen. Something about being in water can make you need to pee.
Child: Really?
Mother: Let’s go.
Message: Being mindful of your actions and words when engaging with children is crucial. Please provide them with the guidance they need to develop problem-solving skills, encourage them to express their feelings, offer valuable lessons, and acknowledge their unique journey. These simple yet powerful practices can foster their confidence, self-reliance, and independence, ensuring their growth is nurtured in a supportive and respectful environment.
There is no way to be the perfect parent. But it is important to pay attention to our actions and words. We can always learn and do it differently next time.