Parenting Styles: Part One of Six
Much of who we are and who we become is shaped by how our parents raised us. Either because we embraced their modeling, rebelled against it, or did some of both. The same is true for our children. Much of who they are and who they become is determined by how we raise them.
Our cultural traditions, personal biases, values, mental states, stress, and relationships also affect our parenting. In addition, each child’s unique needs and personalities are important factors in determining how we parent and how our parenting affects them.
All parents know this: Raising children is a huge responsibility. It is a complex and ever-evolving journey. There is no rule book or set of specific tasks that parents must follow. No single philosophy is universally accepted as the “right” way to raise children.
However, research has revealed clear evidence of factors contributing to raising a thriving adult. Bottom line, isn’t that what we parents want for our children? For them to thrive as adults?
Yet most parents do not investigate the research on parenting, take parenting classes, or reflect on what will support their children to become thriving adults. Somehow, without training, parents are supposed to know how to raise children.
This is the first of six articles examining the different styles of parenting. I will examine authoritarian, over-parenting, permissive, uninvolved, inconsistent, and authoritative parenting styles.
I have been observing parents my whole life. First, I unconsciously absorbed my parents’ parenting style as a child in a family of five children. I started babysitting at 12 and continued to babysit through nursing school. In NYC, I made more money per hour babysitting than nursing students working in the hospital.
I always enjoyed being with children. I spent time with inquisitive, open, and expressive children whose parents were flexible and caring. I spent time with children whose parents had few rules. Some ran me ragged as I tried to keep them from destroying their toys, room, or home. I spent less time with the children who were scared of their parents. Those parents often lodged a litany of threats to their children if they did not behave for “the babysitter.” Those children were afraid of me. They would be in trouble if I reported them. I was in control of their punishment. I saw every kind of parenting between those three extremes.
Later, I taught parenting classes (Parent Effectiveness Training). This was before I had a child and during my son’s toddler years. I also was a co-founder and executive director of a teen center for teenagers at-risk for failure. There, I saw how parenting styles affected the lives of adolescents.
I also have had 35 years to reflect on my parenting skills. Despite all my experience and training, I did things that probably made my son’s life more difficult. Not only has the research changed over the years (though the basics still apply), but I was affected, like all parents, by the stresses of life while raising a child.
One thing is clear: many accepted parenting styles do not support children becoming thriving adults. In this article, I am going to discuss authoritarian parenting.
I am still surprised when parents brag about keeping their children “in line.” These parents expect their children to do everything they are told to do. Their children get punished when they fail to do so. This can start before a child is a year old – before they have any concept of right or wrong or good or bad. “I feed my baby every three hours. I don’t believe in on-demand feeding. I mean, who is in charge here?” Or “My son would never talk back to me. He knows he will be in big trouble if he does.” Or “I don’t spank my kid when I am angry. I spank when he/she disrespects me or does not follow our rules.” Or “I take her phone away when she is acting up, no if, and, or buts.”
This is authoritarian parenting. These parents insist on strict adherence to rules, with no or few exceptions. Punishment, rather than discipline, is common. Problem-solving is discouraged. Rules are created and enforced with little regard for a child’s opinions or agreement.
They often respond to a child’s questioning of rules with “because I said so” without negotiating. The word “No” is in constant use.
There are advantages for the parents with this style of parenting. When young, their children may be ‘well-behaved.” As teens, their children may not act out at home. Parents may get compliments from other adults about how ‘good’ their children are.
However, parents need to take a long view. Based on research, children raised in this environment can feel guilty for their mistakes without learning to make better choices. They may also develop deceptive habits to avoid punishment. Increased hostility or aggression are common problems among these children.
They can have a hard time in relationships outside the family. Because it feels normal to have someone telling them what to do and how to do it, they often cave to peer pressure or get caught in abusive romantic relationships. They also fear failure – their parents’ frustration and anger turned inward.
As a parent, it is important to look inward and self-reflect. Self-reflection is the first big step in honestly assessing your parenting style. Examine your parents’ approach to parenting. Were they authoritarian? Or did they have moments of heavy-handed parenting? If so, what was the impact on you?
Are you an authoritarian parent? Have you had heavy-handed moments with your children? How do you think this is affecting them?
If you have grandchildren, consider how they are being parented and grandparented.
If your style is/was authoritarian, avoid judging yourself. Judging keeps us stuck. Just reflect. Avoid righteousness, too. “That is how I was raised and turned out fine.” Or “That is how I raised my kids, and they are fine.” No one is ‘fine.’ We all struggle. We all have demons. No one is perfect. Let that righteousness go.
It is also time to ask for support. If you are judgmental of or righteous about your parenting style, whatever it is, you will not be able to converse openly with your children, your parents, or other parents about parenting issues. We need to learn from each other. We need to support each other.
Some of us thought parenting would be easy because we would do it better or differently from our parents or parents with unruly children or failing teens. Most of us realized right away, or a year or two into the journey, that we were mostly flying by the seat of our pants. Wherever you are in your parenting journey, it is time to put time and energy into thoughtful and research-based parenting. It is imperative to help our children build resilience to thrive as adults.